BuzzFeed and NYTimes: Choose A Goat And We’ll Tell You Which Superlative You Will Win

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IPC: What Did the Press Think of YOUR Committee?

Agenzia Nazionale Stampa Associata, Associated Press

Harshita Bondhi, Isha Murali

5/21/17

The IPC has been an exceptionally interesting experience, and if there is one thing that this committee has taught us, it is that the other committees have a wide range of productivity and general pleasantness.

Here is a list of the committees we had the “pleasure” of covering this conference, in the order of best to worst.

  1. APEC– By far the most underrated committee at this conference, APEC seemed to have competent delegates with actual debate skills. The press had a fantastic time covering this committee, which managed to make migrant worker’s rights and illegal logging captivating topics. The delegates knew what was going on in the committee (the same cannot be said for the Chair), and all seemed well versed on the topics at hand.
    Good job, guys.
  2. NATO– The closest thing to a crisis committee our dais would let us cover, NATO was fast paced and extremely entertaining. It also didn’t hurt that NATO was one of the few committees with actual power (unlike us). The reality TV show-like atmosphere differentiated this one from the rest of the committees, and going to NATO never came without breaking news. You may have destroyed the entire world, but you had fun doing it.

  3. WCS– The World Cities Summit is the only other committee that made progress at a decent rate. While it was clearly dominated by only a few delegates, there were some innovative solutions on the table. The developing cities didn’t… talk, which was an issue, but do keep in mind that at this point in this list the title is “third least unbearable”. Also, Dakar is not a developed city. It’s not.

  4. EU– Although the European Union essentially debated in circles for painful hours on end, the delegates spoke fairly well and some decent points were made. The real issue was actually moving forward from there. For the record: education is not the de facto solution for everything.

  5. Kremlin-  As much as we enjoy seeing angry humans screaming “MOTHER RUSSIA” at the top of their prepubescent lungs, at times this very interesting committee was slow moving and inactive. Yes, they did invade Ukraine again, and they did see a truly spectacular impression of Donald Trump (shout out to USA from NATO), but in order to get a good article, a journalist had to sit through an hour of circular debate. The melodramatic debate was cringe inducing at times. To be honest, we wish that the IPC had a journalist from TMZ. That was the perfect news organization for you.

  6. UNODC– The UNODC was filled with easily some of the shyest delegates. And although the incorrect spelling on the door (UNDOC) may have undermined the legitimacy of the committee, they certainly had their moments. One of the most memorable parts was the visit from a Tunisian ex-prisoner—yet this committee couldn’t even make that interesting. The number of times a delegate brought up an interesting point was so minimal it’s basically zero. A summarizing quote: “Sometimes we go out and smash different rocks, and that’s, like, a treat for me.”

  7. DISEC– Exceeded expectations, considering the size. Although the Biological Defense and Security Ministry (BDSM) provided some stellar headlines for the IPC, the committee seemed very confused. When the dais was interviewed about the titles of the resolutions, they did not disclose the titles, merely claiming the resolution in question was “Working Paper 1.0”. Unfortunately, they did not realize that it was too late for damage control. The ideas presented were fine, yet overlapping and repetitive. We can’t even think of anything to put here. It was that dull.

  8. SOCHUM– There isn’t much to say. This one was dominated by approximately five people. An extremely large portion of the room did not talk, or barely talked. They constantly got off track, went in circles, and moved slowly. Underpopulation has nothing to do with refugee status, Saudi Arabia.

  9. PoW-The amount of time wasted in committee was almost impossibly large. We witnessed unmods in which people would sit around on their phones the entire time, then request an extension. Their treaty, which they were meant to complete in half an hour, was still a cluster of ideas. Many delegates there simply walked out of the room when they were bored, and the dais didn’t appear to notice. PoW, in a word: pathetic.

  10. SPECPOL- THE WORST COMMITTEE BY FAR. The vast majority of SPECPOL delegates seemed not to have any idea what was going on in their committee in the slightest. Research was minimal and progress was almost non-existent. Writing articles for SPECPOL was virtually impossible, as there seemed to be a strange phenomenon where delegates would say words into the microphone, but not actually say anything. All of those words were in enunciated English, however, there seemed to be some malfunction somewhere in the thought process. No one in IPC could unearth any substance whatsoever. A form of cruel and unusual punishment would be to be forced to listen to SPECPOL “debate” for any length of time.

    An interesting fact about the location of Ballroom III (the SPECPOL room) is that it is hidden behind the elevator hallway on the second floor. It is almost as if the dais was trying to save the delegates from the horror show that is SPECPOL by putting the room in a place extremely difficult to locate. Unfortunately, it seems as if everyone found it anyways. We apologize sincerely for the failure of the scheme.

    SPECPOL is the perfect place to do homework due this week, as actual interaction with the committee does not increase retained knowledge whatsoever. We tested this theory and had a SPECPOL delegate complete their math homework during a session without missing any content. It seems as if there was better international debate happening in that room during the delegate dance than during the actual SPECPOL sessions. We can only thank the IPC dais for eventually sending us to Peace of Westphalia instead, even though it’s set in the 1600’s and we’re not supposed to enter historical committees.

    As the delegate of Serbia so eloquently explained to the press, “I swear I’m gonna kill myself.” We thank him for succinctly summarizing the core of SPECPOL.

PENTAGON: Top Pentagon Official in Cahoots with Russian Diplomats

The New York Times

Daisy Bell

5/20/17

The United States Inspector General is the latest Pentagon official to be in contact with Russian delegates. This infiltration of American trust and American intelligence is a particular concern to the Pentagon as they address all of the conflict in Syria with Kurdistan and also the exclusion of the United States from NATO. The anonymous source said that the Inspector General was able to keep the knowledge of her being a mole under raps for quite a bit of time because of her unique ability to investigate other Pentagon officials as possible moles. Just recently, the Pentagon has received numerous emails in Russian, that suggest a bigger flow of information to Russian diplomats than originally thought. The information that was spread to Russian diplomats concerned US operations that have been protecting the Kurds from ISIS, Russian forces, and Turkey. Exclusion from NATO poses an obstacle to the US right now, because they have an extremely strained relation with Turkey that may prevent the Kurds from ever being admitted as refugees. One thing is for certain, the Pentagon’s Inspector General is a mole, and has spread essential information to Russian diplomats, compromising the safety of the American people at home and abroad.

EU: Fall of the Union

Al Jazeera

Matthew Cheng

May 20, 2017

After resolving the issue of human trafficking, The European Union (EU) began its attempt to preserve the fragile state of the Union itself. With recent events such as terror attacks and Brexit plaguing Europe, the committee gathered to discuss the fundamental values and goals of the EU. This prompted a major session on the validity and importance of the Eurozone, and its effects on individual nations.

Greece began the debate with a bold statement, with the delegate declaring, “Our debt is because of the Eurozone.” The delegation criticized the Eurozone and its inability to adapt to desperate financial situations. She explained that when countries fall into extreme debt like Greece did, the euro does not allow countries to manipulate and fix their own individual economies. Greece also insisted that “interest is key to stimulating the market,” and the euro does not allow countries control over national markets. In times of no demand and too much supply, the EU has little to no flexibility to save struggling economies. This prevents local businesses from capitalizing on profits and ultimately ruins local economies. Overall, Greece’s past experiences with the Eurozone allowed the delegation to believe that being apart of the EU presents “no mechanisms out of debt.”

The United Kingdom (UK) added to Greece’s ideas by declaring that it would be easier to leave the EU with a unique currency that is not the euro. The UK further commented on the importance of a national economy, and how a self sustaining system creates flexibility and versatility within the nation itself.

Croatia also echoed the words of Greece and the UK, by acknowledging that being a part of the Eurozone eliminates “a sense of nationalism and national identity.” The delegation believed that the Croatian kuna (currency) is working effectively and proficiently, and the country has no plans to convert to the euro and share it with some of the other EU nations.

On the other hand, Luxemburg believed that the Eurozone is an effective system that serves its purpose. The delegate reminded the committee that the euro is convenient and efficient, and it makes it easier for people travelling from country to country, which allows markets to function more smoothly.

Despite Luxemburg’s comments, the majority of the committee is against preserving the EU. Under the leadership of Greece, the UK, and Croatia, the committee is currently working towards a resolution that eliminates the EU. If the majority of the countries do not change their perspectives, the European Union’s existence may be in jeopardy.

WCS: What is a Justice System Without Justice?

Al Jazeera

Matthew Cheng

May 20, 2017

Last committee session, I had the opportunity to speak with the delegate of South Africa from the Economic and Financial Committee (ECOFIN). Since then, ECOFIN discussed various issues that are revolved around the topic of foreign aid. In order to gain an even better understanding of the committee and its topics, I sat down with the delegate of Colombia to ask her some questions.

MC: What progress has ECOFIN made with regards to discussing foreign aid?

Colombia: In the last session, the committee discussed the importance of education in reducing dependency, the importance of agricultural reforms to help farmers be more productive, and solutions to the misuse of emergency aid donations.

MC: Is the entire committee on the same page in terms of possible resolutions?

Colombia: There are currently seven separate clusters of ideas on the floor. However, many of them have similar ideas and will likely merge in the near future. A key difference between them is whether developing nations should invest in education in the short term or dedicate all of their resources towards humanitarian purposes.

MC: What is Colombia’s thoughts on foreign aid?

Colombia: Colombia has recently come out of a 52 year civil war, and is relying heavily on foreign aid to maintain stability and help with development. Although we recognize the problems with corruption and dependency, Colombia believes that foreign aid can be incredibly beneficial if allocated properly. We believe that donor countries should have limited influence in how reciever countries spend their financial aid as well.

MC: What solutions does Colombia plan to propose to assist with foreign aid?

Colombia: Colombia believes that the current methods of providing aid must be amended to be more long-term focussed. Although food aid is sometimes necessary in the short term, it should not be given indefinitely. Donor nations should allocate more funds towards supporting local businesses instead, which decreases dependency on commercial imports.

After speaking with Colombia, it has become more evident that ECOFIN is currently divided into several blocks with contradicting ideas and proposals. In order for the committee to agree in a probable solution that aligns with most nations, the collaboration and teamwork of all delegations will be essential.

Kremlin: Breaking News- PRESIDENT OF RUSSIA HAVING HEALTH ISSUES

MOSCOW- reporting there have been significant speculations surrounding the current president’s health. What may seem like a tough Slavic bear on the exterior, may not be so invincible after all. Regardless of Putin being the nuclear center of the biggest country in the world and holding so much power on its shoulders, rumors regarding his involvement in unsavory practices may endanger not only his health but also his position as the president of Russia.

This goes on to prove that the circumstances have really worsened up for him at the age of 64, and so far are not radiating any promising results. Considering Kremlin’s efforts to keep the situation contained, there is little information currently available.

Despite the series of closed doors, the Onion was lucky enough to get an exclusive interview with one of the sources within the upper reaches. What remains an anonymous member of Russian senior government has stated that in order to secure the reputation of the president, he will be forced to “voluntarily resign”. Oh man, things just keep getting tougher Putin. Considering how much he loves his mother-country, there is no doubt it was a difficult decision for the members of the Kremlin government to take reasoning in. As the First Deputy Prime Minister once said “the president is a patriotic countryman of the first order. So patriotic that one is occasionally tempted into questioning the genuineness of his displays”. Indeed over the past years, Putin has been a major breakthrough in politics, making headlines worldwide (not as much as Trump though) and changing world’s history forever. The man will be missed to an extent, although that is yet to be confirmed. However, the president has not yet been informed therefore we mark our calendars and clocks on the midnight of May 21st, as the official time of grief. #RestInPeace

UNSC: United Nations Snake Council

Mail & Guardian

Kevin Zhu

5/20/2017

As a result of their diplomatic disaster, delegates in the United Nations Security Council were unable to come up with any resolutions to the Kashmir crisis. Despite many fruitful discussions between opposing countries and the completion of a thorough and effective resolution paper, various delegates vetoed the important clauses of the final paper, resulting in nothing to show for their hours of hard work More importantly, the crisis in Kashmir continued on, with lives still being lost. Exasperated at this development, our Mail & Guardian reporter was unable to stand such a great waste of time and was forced to interview the Director of this committee.

Q: Hi Alex, how does the vetoing of this paper make you feel?

A: It made the me question my life choices and caused me to adopt a pessimistic outlook for the rest of my life. This actually makes me feel horrible. Normally these things don’t affect me emotionally but this, this is different. Somehow this hit me in the heart.

Q: How did you envision this topic to be solved beforehand?

A: I envisioned the resolution paper to pass, that’s what I envisioned. The countries forced me to vote clause by clause through role call and in the end it still failed. I am a failed

Q: Wow that sounds really sad. Thanks for answering my questions.

A:  Yeah I’m just really really annoyed and frustrated and devastated and depressed.

Q:  Are you okay?

A:*Crying sounds*

One of the dominant reasons for the failure of the paper was disagreements between delegates about historical and cultural differences. “I won’t work with someone with an British accent” shouted one delegate. Because of these crucial, small differences, the most powerful Council in the world was unable to arrive at a solution. We journalists here at the Mail & Guardian sincerely wish the best of luck to this Council.

UNODC: *EXCLUSIVE* Interview With Delegate Of Ireland

BBC

Sean Cuevas

May 20, 2017

Corruption. Brutality. Unjust. These are just a few words that can be used to describe the state of the criminal justice system in first and third world societies today. From the devastating case of Timothy Russels tazing 18-year-old Bryce Masters until he went into cardiac arrest to the Sharpeville Massacre in 1960 where South African police shot at anti-apartheid protesters, killing 69 of them.

 

UNODC has committed itself to dissecting and reforming existing criminal justice systems for the betterment of the people. Currently, they are discussing the reformation of policing systems and prison systems. I was, fortunately, able to get an interview Emily Ison, the delegate of Ireland in the UNODC. I asked her a few questions relating to her position on the topic and one about her thoughts about a certain delegate in the same committee.

 

Q: Thanks for taking the time to meet with me today.

A: Mhmm.

Q: So, first question here, why do you believe that police reform is important to this topic?

A: Well, I think all countries to an extent believe in the basic human rights of their citizens and they want as little crime as possible. They just want a functioning society. So I think having better prison conditions will just make everyone happier, it will be better for the criminals and make the government feel better about punishing criminals.

Q: Alright, second question here. What do you believe are the sources of police brutality and injustice?

A: One part of it is the personal opinions of police officers. They are taught to treat people a certain way but sometimes it overpowers what they personally think that they should be doing and those that believe that violence and force are more necessary will use that even if they’re told not to.

Q: Alright so third question here. How has your country improved conditions in the past?

A: In the Republic of Ireland we have created this thing, the Irish Penal Reform Trust created in 1994. It is separated from the government to basically create better minimum standards in prison.

Q: So, what is your position in this committee? What is your position on this topic?

A: The Republic of Ireland is pretty confident in the way they do treat their prisoners but we do want to be the best that we can be. We understand that we do have an issue with overcrowding and conditions and things like that but we are open to hearing other countries in ways to improve.

At this point, I would like to add a note. Before the interview, the committee was partaking in a moderated caucus to discuss prison reform. Peru was up to speak when I entered the room. As he left, Ireland, the next speaker, noticed that he had left a chocolate at the podium. The Irish delegate called to the previous speaker in an attempt to return the candy, however, Peru’s delegate simply told her to keep the item. Many delegates considered this to be a sign of affection, which led to my asking this question.

Q: Okay, so final question here. This one is more personal I guess. How would you describe Peru’s show of affection earlier?

A: *chuckle* It’s great. I had lunch with him and he’s a really nice delegate. He does a lot, he tries really hard, he’s put on all the work, and he really deserves, I think, to get an award at the end.

Q: Okay, thanks again for taking the time.

A: Thank you.

In this interview, we can see how Emily feels towards the topic. She has obviously spent much time researching and is definitely ready to handle the last few committee sessions. As well, we get a bit of insight into how she interacts with some of her fellow delegates.

 

PENTAGON: Top Pentagon Official in Cahoots with Russian Diplomats

New York Times

Daisy Bell

5/20/17

The United States Inspector General is the latest Pentagon official to be in contact with Russian delegates. This infiltration of American trust and American intelligence is a particular concern to the Pentagon as they address all of the conflict in Syria with Kurdistan and also the exclusion of the United States from NATO. The anonymous source said that the Inspector General was able to keep the knowledge of her being a mole under raps for quite a bit of time because of her unique ability to investigate other Pentagon officials as possible moles. Just recently, the Pentagon has received numerous emails in Russian, that suggest a bigger flow of information to Russian diplomats than originally thought. The information that was spread to Russian diplomats concerned US operations that have been protecting the Kurds from ISIS, Russian forces, and Turkey. Exclusion from NATO poses an obstacle to the US right now, because they have an extremely strained relation with Turkey that may prevent the Kurds from ever being admitted as refugees. One thing is for certain, the Pentagon’s Inspector General is a mole, and has spread essential information to Russian diplomats, compromising the safety of the American people at home and abroad.

EU: A Union of Ruinous States

Mail & Guardian

Kevin Zhu

5/20/2017

Following the Syrian refugee crisis and Brexit, the members of the European Union have been severely shook. Many delegates have been considered joining the United Kingdom in exited the Union, causing the main topic of debate the dissolution of the entire European Union. One of the most vocal delegates in favor of leaving is Greece, in an selfless act, stating that “I’ll just pull you guys down because of my debt and stuff” Some issues have divided the entire committee, slowly debate dramatically.

Refugees

Many members of the Union have expressed differing views on how to best deal with the refugee crisis. “My country will not accept any refugees because they bring crime, disease, and disgusting behavior” state one delegate. Because of the Schengen Agreement, any refugees let into Europe have the capacity to affect any country due to the open borders. This implication has caused nations like Hungary to exclaim “Either the EU lets me enforce my border controls and choose how many refugees to accept, which is zero, or I will start having talks with the UK”. This issue has caused so much conflict that a fast resolution seems unlikely with this amount of bickering and arguing among the countries.

Technological Advancements

Another pertinent issue discussed is that of globalization and technological benefits associated with it. Some countries have expressed excitement at the increased efficiency that can be achieved with the use of new technologies. “These advancements can create increased economic growth and in turn, more jobs,” state the delegation of France. However, some claim that improved technology would simply take away many manual labor jobs, resulting in more unemployment, further exacerbated by the influx of immigrants from battered countries. As a result, some countries see no benefit in continuing to stay in the Union where jobs are being stolen left and right.